Stuff My Dog Ate

Brush Your Shoulders Off

2011-03-15T20:54:00.000-07:00

How many brushes does it take for EBD to get to the center of her seemingly unending karmic debt to Weegee? The world may never know. (hint: waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more than three).

Whig Party

2011-02-17T10:24:00.001-08:00

This was in 2009... so please don't think I go making dog wigs after work every day. Just sometimes. This was for a judge puppet I was making for a documentary that never quite worked out and viola! Instant doggy dolly parton hair.

The beast hasn't eaten much... just a roll of tin foil last week. I don't know if he swalloed any. Hrmm... what else? And a small cardboard box. Today he rolled all over my neatly made bed and covered it in mud. Thanks, friend! Never buy a dry clean only blanket if you have pets, children, or are me. Sadly I think he was also my valentine. Again. We watched the computer destroy the humans on Jeapordy. I for one welcome our new computer overloards!

But this image works for Presidents Day, non?

Day Quil

2011-01-31T19:11:00.000-08:00

I've been sick as of late and invariably this means an upsurge of various medicines stockpiled in the apartment. An unopened box of Day Quil was left on the kitchen counter. Stupid, stupid, stupid me. This seemingly unattractive item, left in a high place, was not under lock and key and therefore open game. Stupid, stupid, stupid me. I came home to small pieces of white paper packaging and large, glistening, orange pills strewn across the living room floor. Scream I did. The same as when he ate the bottle of adderall, the bottle of Lithium, his OWN bottle of valium, my sister's bag of weed, and that mysterious pack of menthol cigarrettes. Although, luckily, none of which were ingested in one sitting. I spent a good ten to fifteen panicked minutes hunting down and counting every single pill in sight. I think... I think he only ate three...

Bills Bills Bills

2011-01-12T17:26:00.000-08:00

Weegee hasn't eaten much as of late. Possibly because it's snowed a lot and, CHRIST, who isn't content in the snow? Although he was attacked (again) while being watched last week by my sister. So I thought to update this with a few things he ate in the past. I recently remembered when he ate a pile of my utility bills. Yup. And a $600.00 money order of rent money my psycho ex-roommate put on my bed. Cause, ya know, it ain't like the dog sleeps on my bed all day. Except that he does.

And were there always four girls in Destiny's Child? Anyways, these are awesome so enjoy:

The Boss

2010-12-25T18:33:00.001-08:00

My dad, Weegee and I went to Bear Mountain for an easy hike this morning and Weegee ate many, many snowballs. Adorable. Then my dad and I drove home and did not miss out on a good old fashioned Thunder Road sing along.

Two Sticks

2010-12-22T10:38:00.000-08:00

He ate two sticks of butter and the cardboard box containing them that someone left out on the butcher block. Remember when he ate 40+ green cupcakes my British roommate made for my St. Patricks Day/22nd birthday party? Then pooped green and metalic cupcake wrappers for a week? I DO!

A Good Start to Your Day

2010-12-20T20:31:00.001-08:00

This is worth mentioning despite me becoming a crazy person who blogs about dogs. Fine, that's what I am, OK? Let me have what I have and just don't make fun of me to my face.

ANYWAY, this is worth mentioning: Every morning I take das wunderhund to the park. This is because I love him and I want him to get lots of exercise. If he gets lots of exercise he'll be tired. If he's tired he may not destroy all the things I own while I'm at work. Right? RIGHT?! Theoretically. Every morning lots of other swell neighborhood folk also gather round the park with their own four legged friends. It's a jolly good time. Really it is. Waking up early and standing around in your pajamas in the cold of December is called responsibility. Something I don't really quite get yet but participate in anyways. So on this fine, crisp morning our canines romp about in pure delight as the grown-ups sip coffee and make progressively minded political jokes appropriate for such times of day.* Suddenly we are disrupted by one extra slobbery, excited little mutt. He gallops to his master and proudly displays a new found toy! Why where ever did you find it, boy? By golly what could it be? Oh... it's a rather large, black dildo. That's right. Its a mother fucking dildo. Thus began my day.

*(see: Brooklyn)

Mitten Fest

2010-12-20T19:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Kevin and Brandon,

This may be a year too late, but I'm sorry Weegee opened your doors and ate all of your Christmas candy of 2009.

xoxo,

E-Train

Loose Lips

2010-12-20T17:30:00.001-08:00

He ate my favorite lipstick. Perfect shade. Maybe he didn't think so? This is all karmic punishment in some way that I can't wrap my mind around anymore. Well this one is kind of easy as for some reason I would steal my mother's lipstick from the ages of 2-3, sit under the table and take chomps out of it. Then I'd put it back into her purse and with a mouth full of red say "I don't know."

Over and Over

2010-12-20T17:28:00.001-08:00

Die Wunderhund ate the replacement phone for the one he ate. Now I keep it around as a decoy.

Can You Hear Me Now?

2010-11-10T11:52:00.000-08:00

I haven't updated this baby in just aboot a whole year! It's not because Weegee has been good. No, no. Weegee's been sadder and badder than ever. This morning he ate my cell phone (as you can see above).

This weekend we went to a new vet as we live in a new neighborhood now. They put him on a drug cocktail of Valium and Prosac. Yes, my canine friend is sittin pretty on goofballs at home as I write this. Like a little 1950's house wife. If only he cooked and cleaned too.

Metal Door Sweep

2009-11-05T07:12:00.000-08:00

Weegee ripped off the bottom part of a metal door. It took a few weeks but yesterday he finally peeled off and unscrewed the long strip of alloy that keeps the draft out of my boyfriends apartment. He also devoured the left partner to my right converse sneaker. Moreover an angry note was left on the loft door from the bitchy downstairs neighbor about barking. Oh god, oh god, oh god... we may have to get the old man an anti bark (---shock---) collar :(

3rd Pair

2009-06-08T07:31:00.000-07:00

Of glasses. Gone. Finito. Adios. Countless sunglasses have been lost to this beast. Yesterday he collapsed at the Renegade Craft Fair though :(. The asphalt here in Brooklyn was too hot for him to walk on. We took a rest and figured it though. Poor little Weegee. ALSO- the Times had a great article about failed blogs, not to be confused with FAIL blog though. This may indeed be one of them, lets not talk about PoPoMoHo, but one was actually called "Things My Dog Ate!" Uh oh...

While in the Shower

2009-05-13T08:23:00.000-07:00

He ate my deodorant

A Seashell

2009-05-11T21:03:00.000-07:00

He ate a goddamn seashell. But won at Mother's Day Loteria <3 <3 <3

Agassi Moment

2009-05-03T22:22:00.000-07:00

One of the many, expensive tennis injuries incurred in April.

Pencil Pusher

2009-05-03T22:20:00.000-07:00

They were expensive.

Copyright Infringement

2009-05-03T22:13:00.000-07:00

At the Cooper Park Williamsburg, Brooklyn dog run. Bastards.

Glasses Case

2009-05-03T22:10:00.001-07:00

He actually hasn't eaten that much as of late.

Doppelganger

2009-03-02T06:30:00.000-08:00

Or non-Weegee, lives in our neighborhood. Almost my dog, but about twice as big. Yes, twice as big. His mere existence makes the Weeginator more nervous than usual.

Oscar Remembered

2009-02-24T07:56:00.000-08:00

Some of you remember the puppets we made about this time last year. Well, here was mine. Oscar Wilde realized via sock media was eaten about a day after construction ended. No other puppet was even looked at. He was eaten with the help of a little pug named Ringo.

Hip or Dangerous?

2009-02-24T06:22:00.000-08:00

Neither! Unless we used to date. ZING! Oh boy oh boy oh boy I need to get out of the house.

Trader No's

2009-02-19T23:37:00.000-08:00

The fancy bread

FAIL

2009-02-17T07:32:00.000-08:00

Grocery bag dog fail.

Its Not Easy Being Green

2009-02-12T16:50:00.000-08:00

Gone for 4 hours. Not too long in doggie years. This was the bandanna I got the little guy for New Years (he likes to look fancy). It was also around his neck before I left. No more.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

2009-02-12T08:21:00.000-08:00

Coprophagia literally means eating poop. Wait, wait, wait, wait! Before you say I've lost my mind: 1. You can't lose something you never had and 2. this is a blunt reality that we all need to face. Dogs eat cat poop. I don't know why and not many do. Little research has been done on this gruesome phenomenon. I can't believe there's no funding out there. Some dogs even eat... dare I say it?... they eat tampons. EWWWWW! Yes ewwwwwwww. Thus the title of this post. Its all like a dog version of Salò, maybe less disturbing. But did you know that dogs aren't the only animals that eat poop? Rodents, gorillas, various insects and Germans digest poop on a regular basis.

Herbivores such as rabbits and rodents do it cause their plant-only diet is hard to digest. Therefore they make two passes to absorb as much nutrition as possible. Kind of like chewing cud, but horrific.

Some Vets believe that Canids (coyotes, foxes and wolves included) do it because "it" contains necessary vitamins produced by intestinal bacteria thats otherwise inaccessible. So they eat poop. Dogs and some other animals also get protein this way. Dogs are particularly fond of cat poop because its high in protein and because they hate us so very much.

Now Weegee aint no fiend! Don't get me wrong, he grazes once in a while and that's what terrible even inspired this all. But believe me, I've known men who were much worse.*

*(I'd just LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to put a link in that last sentence, but supposedly "civility" is necessary.)

Rose Colored

2009-02-09T20:55:00.000-08:00

Nothing today ~~that I've noticed~~. But today was asked to retroactively mention the $165 dollar Ray Ban sunglasses that were eaten this past fall. That did not belong to me. That were a gift. That said person had for only a week. I will say though, in me and Weegee's defense, that aforementioned glasses were absentmindedly left in quite ripe dog eating range. Not so fair and square however. Sorry again and I love you!

Destruct-O-Vision

2009-02-08T16:00:00.000-08:00

This one is actually kind of funny. Upon returning home from dinner we ask each other, "My word. I do not recall leaving the television on. Do you?" "Why no my dear, I do not. How very peculiar." "Peculiar indeed!" (Yes we speak exactly this way.) Little did we know that the boob tube was on because Weegee ate the power button. Awesome. At least the channel thingy works.

Item #2 for yesterday: dog bed. Why? Do you not enjoy soft things? Or places to sleep?
Where did we go wrong? What is wrong with you?

Repaired with the most excellent skill. Good thing I'm not one to

throw away severed pant legs.

Dog Overdose Revisited/Fuck the ASPCA

2009-02-05T06:33:00.000-08:00

The ASPCA and my Vet are full of capitalist shit. Yes. Capitalist shit. I turn my back for a second, random emergency arises (with something placed out of dog reach, mind you) and no one would talk to me until I gave them lots of money. Now this is my first time without health insurance or a job. These days are not economically "normal" for anyone (except my Vet) and I've been running on about twenty five dollars a week. Question posed to the fine folks at the ASPCA and their Animal Poison Control Center, what are we poor folks supposed to do? Apparently we don't deserve help and our pets can fuck off. (Tantalizing information- Weegee was adopted from the ASPCA in the first place, but don't deserve no help.) Later in the evening joked to a friend that if Weegee had indeed died, I'd have had a great lawsuit. Or at least a scathing and scandalous tabloid letter for the NY Post.

BUT OH, OH, OH! My Vet got snappy when I told her about my finances. She said I was a bad pet owner cause I lacked dog health insurance. Dog health insurance. Promptly gave her some proletariat what for and made her sound guilty. Besides, without my own health insurance, the fucking dog ate about a gold brick's worth of pills in the first place! Everything is OK now. I Googled how to induce dog vomiting and he's been happy ever since. Thanks Internet! Even I'm a doctor these days.

In light of this episode however, can we hurry it up Barack? I can't thrive off hope alone and the dog might very well eat change.

Back Taxes

2009-02-05T06:30:00.000-08:00

Suddenly recalled that Weegee ate my W2 last year. Followed it up with the energy bill in that same week.

Update for Wen.

2009-02-04T14:01:00.000-08:00

Just came home from the grocery store. Weegee ate:

1. unopened bag of 100 coffee filters
2. chopsticks
3. a bottle of lithium.

its off to get the little guys stomache pumped now <3 <3 <3

No. It was not the WHOLE bottle. Just a few maybe? Oh god.

Poor Little Weegee

2009-02-04T12:37:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Weegee. Many of you already know and love him. Or at least you know him. Many of you have had your shit eaten by him. He's not a bad dog. Just eats a lot of shit all the time. So much shit that I've decided to give this greyhound/Labrador/antelope/god knows what kind of mutt his own website about his favorite pasttime- bringing about the total destruction of valued material possessions. The sudden inspiration? Well its about 22 degrees outside today in New York City and the bastard ate my last pair of gloves. So fuck him.

What did he eat this week?
1. my goddamn gloves
2. a pile of plastic bags
3. the interior of my friend's car (left alone for 10 minutes). Sorry Tara.
4. The interior of my friend's door. Again, sorry Tara.
5. a doorknob. Sorry Tara. Jesus.
6. A plate of biscuits I baked.
7. tried to, but luckily, did not eat the mouse my cat caught and killed.

If you have had anything eaten by my dog, please feel free to comment. But I no longer take responsibility for said items. Please just come over and speak to him yourself. Also, I'll try and compile the vast list of amazing things he's eaten in the past. Highlights include:

1. A box cutter
2. Two packs of AAA batteries
3. a month of birth control pills
4. my anti-anxiety medication
5. four sticks of butter in 20 minutes

Thanks Ben D and Ringo Have a Banana for the above photos.